The hideous character design for Phil, the main character in The Nutshack.

The Nutshack Review (Uncensored Version)

I hate this cartoon.  I hate it!  Let’s get that out of the way.  I knew I wouldn’t want to watch this more than once so I decided to write this review while watching this abomination of a cartoon.  After writing this, I toned down the language a bit, but here are my uncensored thoughts on this pathetic excuse for an “adult” cartoon!

It starts with a horrible rap theme that makes me want to slit my wrists.  I can’t distinguish the lyrics over the abhorrent instrumentation, but I can tell they’re bloody horrible!  Fuck this show!  I’ve only seen the title sequence, but fuck everything to do with this show!  It just drones on, saying, “It’s the—nutshack!” over and over, punctuated by an insufferably high-pitched voice shouting “oh, yeah!” among other things.  Then it gets to the rap portion, and I generally can’t stand rap, but this takes it to a whole new low.  I can’t understand any of the lyrics other than “take—take a breavah—in my lungs—I got grapes…”  Fuck this show.

Phil and Dick “Dickman”

Not five seconds in and I’m subjected to some of the worst voice-acting I’ve ever heard.  I already loathe these fucking characters!  This guy’s voice is insufferable.  Then we get the first line of dialogue:

“the force is strong in you, Phil, but you are no match for my Viagra-powered dong-snatcher!”

Fuck this cartoon.

It was then that I first noticed how fucking awful the animation is in this thing!  It’s painful to behold.

Oh, sweet Celestia, give me striength!  This show! It’s making spellingn hard, I’m so overwhenlmed with how bad it is!  The voice acting is so bad I can’t understand anything anyonwe says.  I’ll be sure to use auto-correct for the next paragraph.

Among the horrible voice acting and incomprehensible slang, I managed to discern that Dick, the older of the two characters, wants Phil, the younger, to babysit someone named Jackson, but I really can’t be sure when the xenophobic dialogue sounds like this:

“I can’t let no fresh-off-the-boat yahoo be gettin’ in my game!”

Robots and Racists

We get an unfunny cutaway gag to Phil masturbating before we meet Jackson (called Jack) on his flight there.  He’s worried about something, but I can’t bring myself to care.  Then we’re introduced to his pet, Horat, who appears to be a cyborg abomination.  Now on to this thing; I hate it already.  I can’t understand a word this creature says in its high-pitched voice. All I could make out was:

“Bitch, I’m no pet! I’m a monkey!

Alright, so apparently Horat’s a talking cyborg-monkey.  Either way, the animation is so bad I can hardly look at anything.  I keep instinctually looking away from the screen because of how ugly everything looks!

Well, some big guy with tattoos said something, and I have no idea what.  Moving on.

And now we get more dialogue in Horat’s robot-Alvin-and-the-Chipmunks-abomination voice.  I have no idea what he said, and I don’t know if that’s because he’s speaking another language or if it’s just the usual bad acting of this show.  Moving on.

Jack Gets Hurt

Right, then.  The big guy with the tattoos beats up Jack and we cut to the plane flying.  If anything else happened, I have no idea what.

Then we cut to the airport, where apparently Jack’s been searched, and we get a homophobic joke.  Furthermore, the large, tattooed man is referred to simply as “that Hawaiian man,” so I can only assume this is another racist joke.

Well, this show’s definitely racist, as “that Hawaiian man” returns and says in a high pitched voice what I think is supposed to be, “wha-chi—heah, braddah!”  I have no idea what he’s saying, but I know that the show’s making some sort of sick, racist joke.  All I could discern was “Welcome to da states, brah. Aloha!” Then we get Horat’s hideous screaming again. Screw this show!

The Nutshack’s Squidward

Oh, son of a bitch! I hate this animation!  The backgrounds are all askew and, unlike some shows, it really grates on the eyes here.  What’s worse is that all the character animation is in jerky movements characteristic of lazy Flash animation.

Alright. I think I’ve figured it out! Jack is the butt-monkey of this show—what Mr. Enter would call the “Megward the Wizard” of the show.  He appears to exist for no purpose other than to be horribly abused by all the other characters.  After being violated in the airport, Jack takes a cab to his destination—which I think is meant to be his uncle’s flat—and Dick answers the door, at which point I noticed that his belt-buckle has “DICKMAN” engraved upon it.  Jack asks if he’s at the right place, asking for his uncle “Richard Cabesa,” and Dick tells him in an infuriating tone,

“Richard Cabesa? I’m sorry… He’s already dead. Many years ago!”

To which Jack replies,

“But wait! Said my mommy, ‘he’s here.’”

And then Dick slams the door, saying,

“Said your mommy wrong!”

And then we see Jack start to cry, accompanied to the sound of stringed instruments.  Why did anyone ever think this was funny?

Dick opens the door and laughs, revealing that he is Richard Cabesa.  Jack hugs him, and Phil makes a homophobic comment that I couldn’t really understand because the voice acting is bloody horrible!

I’ve No Idea What’s Happening (Again)

The hideous character design for Phil, the main character in The Nutshack.Oh, man! The animation is so bloody horrible!  What the flip’s wrong with their mouths?  How could anyone think that this was passible?  The animation gets so bad that at one point I laughed out loud—not because it’s funny, mind you; there just wasn’t any other way to react to how horrible this is!  It’s just what humans seem programmed to do in these situations.  However, I cannot stress enough that this thing isn’t funny—not in the slightest.

I bloody hate this voice acting—Phil in particular!  It sounds like he’s gargling into the microphone, and he speaks in nothing but horrible Yank-slang.  He also says “bitch” more than Scary Terry.

It is at this point that we meet their horribly annoying neighbour, Dwayne, whose presence is accompanied by a banjo.  Then the show goes to commercial and I have no idea what is going on.

Oh, Great!  Exposition and Sexism!

In the next scene, Phil and Jack go out in a car and we get some horrible, unfunny jokes and a great deal of exposition about a porno distributer.  Then we get some exposition about another character coupled with a dose of sexism that borders on misogyny at the very least.  Then we get more exposition about a couple of potheads, followed by some jokes about Jack’s weight.  The potheads do some “tricks” in their car, and it turns out the animation is even worse when it comes to vehicles.

After that we meet a character called Cherry Pie, whom I assume is meant to be a prostitute.  Phil treats her like crap. Moving on.

Dick Dickman Meets Horat

Then they go to a bar, and again it strikes me how much I hate the voice-acting.  We cut back to Dick, who meets Horat for the first time, and I can’t understand anything the monkey-robot thing says.  Then we are subjected to Dick being bigoted towards East Indians, whom he calls “nasty little curry-eaters.”  Disgusting!  I fucking hate this show.

Then we find out that Horat’s short for Horatio in a scene that takes too long and goes nowhere.  The voice acting is fucking terrible!

Dwayne makes another appearance, accompanied again by the banjo.  Then we get homophobia, followed by Horat laughing.  Horat then attacks Dwayne, and it’s not funny.  He keeps crashing Dwayne into things, and it feels like this sequence takes forever.  Horat finally throws Dwayne off the balcony, and the scene abruptly fades to black.

We cut to Phil and Jack at the bar, and we meet Phil’s friend Cheetah, and Jack is smitten with her.  Then it cuts back to Dick and Horat.

“Take a Breavah” (In My Lungs)

Phil and Jack return to the flat, and the animation is fucking horrible, as is the voice-acting.  Jack reveals that he’s the one who turned Horat into a robotic abomination, and everyone starts laughing for no reason.  I suppose now’s as good a time as any to mention that all their laughs are annoying as fuck!

Phil offers Horat a joint, to which he responds with the only line of his that I’ve been able to understand:

“I’ll smoke the hell out of that! I got robot lungs bee-ach!”

Then while smoking the joint, Horat says something that I think was supposed to be homophobic, but I can’t understand a fucking word Horat says.  Of course, the other characters start talking, and I realize I can’t understand any of them!

The scene goes on for several more minutes, and I can’t understand a single word anyone says.  What a waste of time.

Then we cut to Horat humping a pillow.  Jack comes in and Horat starts humping his leg. Then we cut to Phil monologuing to his own penis.  Roll credits.  Fuck this show!

The Worst Cartoon of Its Decade

Well, Mr. Enter did say this was the worst cartoon of the 2000s (with the exception of Adult Party Cartoon, of course).  I’ve only seen one episode, and I’m pretty sure Mr. Enter was right.  This thing is awful!  Before watching this, I tried to imagine what the worst cartoon of one of animation’s worst decades would look like.  As it turns out, The Nutshack was exactly what I’d imagined.  I’d like to have said it was worse than I thought, but I can’t, and I just have to thank Mr. Enter for sufficiently preparing me for the sheer horror of this thing.

Where do I begin?  The Nutshack is a bloody abomination!  Everything about it is awful, from the voice acting to the animation.  The writing manages to top that, however, as the characters are all misogynistic, homophobic, racist, xenophobic sociopaths!  Most of them speak in perhaps the most unpleasant slang I’ve ever heard, and—even if I could decipher the slang—the voice-acting is so horrible that I still couldn’t understand anything!  I suspect that the slang is part of some racist caricature, which is just more of the same in this heap of bile.  The opening theme is one of the worst of all time, and it—and every moment thenceforth—made me want to turn it off immediately.

Don’t Watch The Nutshack!

You may be tempted to watch this show out of curiosity, but please don’t go anywhere near it.  The only reason anyone should even acknowledge its existence is if one intends to give it a thrashing in a review.  I cannot think of a single cartoon I’ve seen that was worse than this.  It’s worse than Brickleberry.  It has no reason to exist, and I can only conclude upon watching it that it shouldn’t exist.  The Nutshack is just plain unpleasant to sit through.  Unless you are a reviewer, do not watch this show!

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