Tag Archives: Medieval

Orcs singing in the Rankin/Bass Return of the King cartoon.

Review of Rankin/Bass “The Return of the King” (1980)

Orcs singing in the Rankin/Bass Return of the King cartoon.This cartoon…  This is the one that broke me…  I feel drained after watching this.  Before there was Peter Jackson, there were three cartoons almost unrelated to one another, and I made the mistake of deciding to review all of them.  The first was a children’s animated TV special by Rankin/Bass that removed almost every element that made The Hobbit great.  The second, based on the first half of The Lord of the Rings, was at least for adults, even if it was a poorly-rotoscoped cartoon that payed little attention to the subtleties of the book.  The third, which I’ll be reviewing today, is called Frodo: The Hobbit II, but it’s more commonly known as The Return of the King: A Story of the Hobbits.
Continue reading Review of Rankin/Bass “The Return of the King” (1980)

Bronn the mercenary sings The Rains of Castamere.

The Music of Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones, the show that captivates fourteen-year-olds everywhere, is bad.  It’s not well-written; it’s not well-shot; it’s not well-lit; half the time it’s not even well-acted; and even the music to the opening credits is little more than a rip-off of better music.  When I first heard that opening theme, I liked it, and indeed it was what made me watch the show in the first place.  I’d watch the opening credits then suffer through the blandness that followed, but I was always struck by how similar it was to the theme from another show…
Continue reading The Music of Game of Thrones

Hazen, another chosen one from the future, prepares to thrust with the king's sword.

“In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission” Review

It’s finally about to be over!  The first In the Name of the King film was high fantasy at its very worst, the second was portal fantasy at its worst, and for some reason I don’t want to understand, Uwe Boll decided to make a third bollocks film in this awful, awful series.Hazen, another chosen one from the future, prepares to thrust with the king's sword.  This one, called either “In the Name of the King Ⅲ: The Last Mission” or, more appropriately, “In the Name of the King 3: The Last Job,” has as much to do with the other two films as the second has to do with the first.

It strikes me that, throughout these three films, not a single plot-thread from the first film—or the second—has been resolved in any sense of the word.  Nonetheless, it has more in common with Two Worlds than with A Dungeon Siege Tale, being a pathetic excuse for portal fantasy rather than high fantasy.
Continue reading “In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission” Review

Farmer fights the Krug army in the forest

“In the Name of the King” Review

“Look; I am not a fucking retard like Michael Bay!”Uwe Boll

As adept a judge of character as the above quote would suggest him to be, Uwe Boll’s body of work is at least as bad as anything I’ve seen from Michael Bay.  My article today concerns Boll’s attempt at a high fantasy epic.  Like most of his work, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is based on a video-game.  I read a bit about the story of the game, and the movie seems to have nothing to do with it.  Most reviews of In the Name of the King dub it one of the worst fantasy stories of all time, but I recently reviewed The Dragon in the Sock Drawer, which was so stupid and utterly mental that In the Name of the King seems all the more bland.
Continue reading “In the Name of the King” Review

Jon Snow, a character in Game of Thrones

Jon Snow: The Boring Bastard

“What’s wrong with the characters in A Song of Ice and Fire,” you ask?  Well, let’s just take a look.  As for what’s wrong, where do I begin?  Why don’t I start with the fact that they’re all basically the same character?  You can’t really expect any better when an author divides his attention among a thousand of them, which is why you need to limit the number of pivotal characters in a story.  Every character in the story has, at most, a few personality traits to differentiate it from the cookie-cutter template that Martin applies to the lot of them.

I plan on suffering through several more of these character analyses, but I’ll start with the ever-tedious Jon Snow.  No, I’m not talking about Dr. John Snow, the Victorian physician who discovered that drinking polluted water was a bad thing—oh, I only wish!  Jon Snow is, amazingly, one of the least irritating of Martin’s characters.  I shudder to think of analyzing any of the others, but that’s Future Hamish’s problem!
Continue reading Jon Snow: The Boring Bastard

“The Twelve Kingdoms” Anime Review

I recently decided that, just for the fun of seeing what would happen, I’d randomly decide on an anime I’d never heard of and watch it from start to finish.  Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped.  I mean, I do have quite a lot to say about it, but the show itself wasn’t especially good.
Continue reading “The Twelve Kingdoms” Anime Review

A Game of Thrones Review: “A Little Adrift”

I had intended to touch upon this in my actual review of Chapter 16, but it slipped my mind when I actually sat down to write the review.  In case anyone needs further evidence in support of my claim that the direwolf’s slaughter had almost no effect on the characters, I found a quote by the author about just that while making sure I hadn’t misremembered anything.
Continue reading A Game of Thrones Review: “A Little Adrift”

A Game of Thrones Review: One Dead Direwolf and a Whole Cast of Unlikable Characters

After looking at the first chapter of George R. R. Martin’s abhorrent A Song of Ice and Fire series, it almost goes without saying that we should, without warning, jump fifteen chapters ahead to one of the very worst this series has to offer, doesn’t it? Therefore I will jump straight to reviewing the chapter that should have made me quit reading this awful series.
Continue reading A Game of Thrones Review: One Dead Direwolf and a Whole Cast of Unlikable Characters

A Game of Thrones Review: Chapter 1

In my last post concerning A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin, I reviewed the prologue. In today’s post, I shall review the first chapter. Surprisingly, there’s actually one line of dialogue I like in this chapter. Unsurprisingly, however, there is only one line I like.
Continue reading A Game of Thrones Review: Chapter 1

A Game of Thrones Review: The Prologue

In my first article on the subject of George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series, I mentioned that after subjecting my eyes to the ugliest map ever rendered, the first volume began with a prologue.  One of the first things you learn about writing a book is that your first paragraph has to entice the reader.  The prologue is a book’s first impression; it’s essentially the story putting its best foot forward.  After hearing fans expound upon his “gripping prose” and “realistic characters,” I hadn’t expected the writing to be so blatantly inept.  In this post, I will go into some detail on what makes the story’s first impression so unbelievably dull.
Continue reading A Game of Thrones Review: The Prologue