So you’ve read all my mini-reviews and you’re wondering “where are all the bad stories?” Well, here they are. This is why I decided to start writing paragraph-long reviews: because it’s stressful spending so much time thinking about stories this terrible. If you have the strength to think about such things, read on.
This list is, as usual, in alphabetical order and divided into various media.
Books
“Assassin’s Apprentice” by Robin Hobb
Hobb’s “masterpiece” has a few interesting ideas, but it’s mostly just slow, boring, and utterly fixated on the main character getting a new dog only for it to die horribly; rinse and repeat.
“Atlas Shrugged” by Ayn Rand
Atlas shrugged is the worst book I’ve ever read, just as its author was one of the worst humans ever to walk the earth. The story is imbecilic, self-contradictory, and filled with the worst characters ever imagined. The “hero” John Galt, for example, was inspired by a real-life child murderer whom Ayn Rand thought was “a superhuman.”
Ayn Rand’s totalitarian philosophy, which she called “Objectivism,” celebrates the very worst aspects of humanity. Her protagonists are all idealized psychopaths whose character arcs revolve around having to learn the “truth” that regular people should be viewed as inanimate objects.
“Bridge to Terabithia” by Katherine Paterson
Christian meets atheist. Atheist and christian become best friends. Christian stands up atheist; atheist dies and goes to Hell. Katherine Paterson twists it all into a moral about faith in Jesus or something.
The worst part is that a story like this should rightly have a pretty simple moral: something like “don’t make a date and then stand up your friend,” “don’t swing on a rotting rope or do dangerous things in general,” or even something as simple as “don’t fall in love with your sodding teacher!” Instead we get this load of sentimental bollocks!
The Dragon in the Sock Drawer by Kate Climo
A batshit insane story with characters so dim-witted they become quickly unlikeable, a villain who’s equally dense, and an outlandish ending involving a sheepdog.
“Fifty Shades” series by E. L. James
Fifty Shades is among the worst pieces of writing ever put to paper. E. L. James uses child-molestation as a device to eroticize the psychopathic male lead, glorifies what is unambiguously rape, and makes grammatical errors one would hardly have thought possible.
“Harry Potter” series by J. K. Rowling
The genre of Harry Potter aged with its original audience, which is great if you want to make a short-lived cultural phenomenon—not so great if you want a timeless work of art. When one is able to read the books all at once, the shift becomes jarring, as does the drop in quality as a children’s author struggles to write for ever-older audiences.
Harry himself is a bland and occasionally unlikeable protagonist, Ron devolves into an utter git, and Hermione somehow becomes less of a character as the books progress. Some of the background characters are more interesting, but they usually just get killed off without contributing much.
J. K. Rowling makes tasteless jokes about racial slavery and even goes so far as to justify the practice in her sick Wizarding World and make fun of those who oppose it. In the end, the Chosen One Harry comes back from the dead and fulfills the prophecy, and then there’s a putrid epilogue just so we know whom everyone married.
“A Song of Ice and Fire” series by George R. R. Martin
Imagine if an accountant decided to try and write a fantasy epic about tax policies and logistics. A Song of Ice and Fire is pretty much that story with some eroticized rape scenes thrown in. Okay—a lot of rape scenes, along with a cast of unlikeable characters passed off as likeable, dialogue that sounds like it spewed from American rednecks, some of the worst pacing this side of Naruto, and a racist white saviour narrative to top it all off.
Seriously—what sort of person finds tax policies interesting? This is some of the most boring crap I’ve ever read.
“The Spiderwick Chronicles” series by Tony DiTerlizzi and Holly Black
Usually this preteen equivalent to A Song of Ice and Fire is just a less-than-interesting children’s fantasy story. But at the end it shows its true colours by glorifying a trumpian take-out-their-families mentality and branding mercy as weakness.
“The Sword of Truth” series by Terry Goodkind
I’ve finally found it: a fantasy story with no redeeming qualities whatsoever! The prose, plot, characters, world-building, themes, and everything else are vacuous to the point of being truly loathsome. The deranged hero Richard Rahl endlessly pontificates and embodies the Randian fantasies of a clearly-deranged author. Goodkind imbues every facet of his work with an ultra-violent Objectivist philosophy every bit as asinine as Ayn Rand’s version.
“The Twilight Saga” series by Stephanie Meyer
Stephanie Meyer’s “magnum opus” seems little more than a mormon rip-off of The Vampire Diaries. Unlike with that story, Meyer’s unlikeable characters; lack of meaningful conflict, plot, or resolution; and anticlimax where the final battle only occurs in a dream all make The Twilight Saga painful to watch to the end.
“The Wheel of Time” series by Robert Jordan
The Wheel of Time begins with the worst prologue I’ve ever read. After that the writing ranges from frustratingly confusing to mind-numbingly boring to blatantly copying Tolkien. On top of that, the story is pretty much a celebration of the strictest gender-roles ever conceived. This is what it looks like when a redneck from South Carolina tries and fails to write like an Oxford professor of English.
Movies
The Amazing Spider-Man
Mark Webb’s The Amazing Spider-Man is a bad romantic comedy that thinks it’s a bad superhero action movie. Andrew Garfield’s performance is dreadful, utterly ruining the character of Peter Parker for all time. Nobody cared when it came to this movie, nor was there any reason to care about it.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Avengers: Infinity War
Avengers: Infinity War is the worst Marvel Cinematic Universe movie yet, boasting surprisingly few redeeming qualities in general. To the question of what this movie is about, my only response is that it’s not about anything. Indeed, Infinity War is so bad it makes all other Marvel movies worse by its very existence. The film is just one big crossover with nothing for its massive cast to do. From a poorly acted cameo by Peter Dinklage doing the worst British accent I’ve ever heard to the incomprehensible choice to drag Black Panther into this by setting the final battle in Wakanda, there’s very little to like here.
The villain, named Thanos, is bad because of his half-conceived motivation as well as his general lack of all personality. I don’t read comic books, but from what I’ve read about Thanos in the source material he’s supposed to just be a psychopath who loves death, which would have made far more sense than whatever brainless motive they gave him here. The ending where Thanos wins (although his plan is so stupid that even winning would still result in his losing), which should make me feel something, is meaningless on account of the last two hours of nothing.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
A dull, brainless slog, hack director Zack Snyder’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice makes Infinity War look like Black Panther. Both the film’s title characters are butchered beyond recognition by a director who hates all that is good in the world. Where there should be joy, there is only depravity. Where there should be themes, there is only pretentiousness.
Ben & Arthur
This is the worst movie I have ever seen. Despite having supposedly intended to create a pro-gay rights film, Sam Mraovich brought into existence a film that plays into every harmful gay stereotype I can think of and likely more that I can’t.
Bloodrayne
This abomination is painful throughout, but Uwe Boll’s worst ending yet only pushes it further over the edge into the realm of “worst fantasy movies ever.”
The Emoji Movie
This film should not exist, for it is an abomination. A story built around product placement, a cast lacking even a single likeable character, lazy animation, and a message so vile you’ll swear Sony made this with the intent of personally tormenting you.
The Emoji Movie is too busy ripping off every critically acclaimed kids’ film of the last five years to tell an actual story. From Inside Out to Wreck-It Ralph to The LEGO Movie, it is as though the Dark Lord Melkor the Morgoth captured these films and tortured them till this mutilated horror emerged from their throbbing, twisted forms.
Death Note (2017)
Adam Wingard tries to turn the narcissistic serial killer Light Yagami into sympathetic hero Light Turner. That and the soundtrack is mostly bad ‘80s surf rock. Willem Dafoe is really good, though.
Dragonheart
Dragonheart has a clichéd story, all-round unlikeable characters, and what is perhaps the worst “hero” in the history of the fantasy genre.
Foodfight!
The poorly-animated product-placement icon Dex Dogtective teams up with his best friend—a pedo squirrel—to rip off Casablanca, rescue Dex’s underaged girlfriend, and defeat an army of seizure-prone no-name-brand nazis in a repetitive final battle that takes a half-hour. Every aspect of this film is of the absolute worst quality. Foodfight is the stuff of nightmares.
Ghostbusters (1984)
A Right-wing propaganda piece from the Reagan era, Ghostbusters seems at first to be a mere product of its time. But one soon notices the vile messages, cleverly concealed amidst unremarkable ‘80s humour. The themes of Ghostbusters are pro-deregulation, anti-government, anti-education, anti-environment, and anti-taxes (for the rich). The film was never as good as we thought, and it’s best left where it belongs: the past.
Frodo: The Hobbit Ⅱ (Rankin/Bass)
Only one scene in this film had the potential to compete with Peter Jackson, and then it botched it with horrible line delivery and detrimental changes to dialogue and motivations. Otherwise this is a laughable attempt to turn The Lord of the Rings into a children’s film.
The Hobbit (1966)
This deliberately bad adaptation of The Hobbit was intended as a tool to essentially blackmail Tolkien. Even so, I love it for how bloody insane it is. It’s twelve minutes; go watch it.
The Hobbit (1977)
Everything that made the book great is gone here. Instead we have a neutered and poorly-animated story acted out in American accents and further ruined by a synth-heavy soundtrack.
Hop (2011)
Illumination takes a break from shitting out bad animated movies and makes an even worse live-action film with racist undertones. Seriously—the people who wrote this script must really hate Mexicans.
The Easter Bunny has a bunch of chicken slaves “employees” with Mexican accents whom he mistreats, as he considers them inferior to rabbits. The Easter Bunny, along with his idiot son, is the good guy! By contrast, the Mexican chickens are the evil villains who try to take over easter from their rabbit betters.
In the Name of the King
Uwe Boll’s attempt at fantasy turned out to be high fantasy at its very worst. Actors are wasted, nothing makes sense, characters are so stupid they make the characters in the Star Wars prequels look gifted, and—typically of an Uwe Boll film—there is no resolution whatsoever.
In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds
Whereas its prequel was high fantasy at its worst, this unrelated sequel is portal fantasy at its worst.
In the Name of the King 3: The Last Job
By far the worst of Uwe Boll’s already dismal trilogy. The camerawork in particular is so bad that you won’t even notice the unlikeable characters.
M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Last Airbender”
M. Night Shyamalan’s adaptation of the greatest TV show ever made was anticipated by all. However, what we got was perhaps the worst big-budget movie ever made. Actors just stare straight at the camera and read their exposition-filled lines like robots, and almost all their names have been changed in order to appeal to Iranian audiences. The plot is so bastardized that even on its own it makes no sense, and at every turn it spits in the face of the source material.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole
Great source material, great actors, a great concept, and great animation—all ruined by a G rating, an abysmal script that didn’t follow the books, and director Zack Snyder. All Snyder’s films are depressing to watch—not because anything sad happens in them, but because his filmmaking style is just that bad.
The Lord of the Rings (1978)
I think hentai director Ralph Bakshi may well have cared deeply for this project. I’m not sure many other people working on it felt the same, though. The result is a half-baked adaptation whose only great strength is its portrayal of Barliman Butterbur.
Midori: Shōjo Tsubaki
Not counting hentai, this is the worst anime I know of. It’s a creepy story of pedophilia and dark magic that the creator somehow thinks is an “unconventional love story” that will bring smiles to the audience.
The Room (2003)
A deeply misogynistic story of betrayal and suicide performed by amateurs who were more confused than you’ll be watching it.
Troll 2
The worst synth score in the history of film is the icing on the cake. Troll 2 was made as a middle finger to vegetarians, although it’s unclear why the screenwriter hated them so much. This film is awful in every way and lacks the sort of comic charm that something like The Room or The Twilight Saga has.
A Troll in Central Park
Don Bluth’s worst movie. I watched this turd only because I had a severe illness at the time and could neither lift my hand to press stop not get up from my chair. Saccharine and creepy in all the wrong ways—there really aren’t any redeeming qualities to be found here.
Violence Jack
Violence Jack is vapid and ultra-violent with a bland protagonist that can’t be meaningfully challenged by any foe.
Television
Black Clover
I sat through four dull seasons of Game of Thrones. I couldn’t make it through two episodes of Black Clover. This is quite possibly the worst shōnen I have ever seen, complete with perhaps the worst voice-acting in Japanese history! And yes—all the characters are unlikeable.
Fullmetal Alchemist (2003)
A truly bizarre portal fantasy adaptation of a manga that wasn’t portal fantasy at all, Fullmetal Alchemist 2003 takes all the best characters from the manga and makes them just the teeniest bit less interesting. This has very little in common with the source material.
Game of Thrones
A mostly dull and bland adaptation of a dull, bland book. Game of Thrones is plagued by mediocre acting, repetitive plots and music, inconsistent characters, and writers who relied too much on the show’s ever-dwindling shock value till it dried up entirely. A pathetic and conspicuously American feel-good ending finishes things off with a whimper.
Naruto
Naruto is the worst-paced story I’ve ever seen despite a few enjoyable moments and interesting concepts peppered throughout. The jewel atop this mountain of stupidity is the character of Sasuke, whose redemption arc is one of the worst ever. The English dub is atrocious. All things considered, Naruto is no better than any other big, dumb, long-running battle-shōnen.
One Piece
A painfully slow-paced shōnen with more sexist themes than any other mainstream anime I’ve seen in my life. As the show goes on, the women are drawn increasingly poorly. I think the author thinks he’s making them sexy; he’s really not.
Aside from all that, it’s just a long-running battle shōnen. Some of the plotting may be better-executed than other entries in the lowest tier of mainstream anime, but that doesn’t make its thousand-or-so episodes worth watching.
The Seven Deadly Sins
The Seven Deadly Sins is a derivative and unremarkable shōnen made worse by its cast of unlikeable characters, with the depraved “hero” Meliodas being perhaps the worst of them. It’s a mishmash of the worst elements of Naruto, Fairy Tail, and every other big, dumb shōnen you’ve ever heard of.
Sword Art Online
A dumb-yet-promising premise is ruined by an unlikeable wish-fulfilment protagonist, unimaginably terrible pacing, and numerous other problems. And that’s all before we get to the tentacle rape scene. And the one where the villain gets raped to death by a flaming clown. Sword Art Online is a true gem when it comes to really crappy anime.
The Twelve Kingdoms
A story with a lot of potential is overall ruined by an unfocused plot and some very misguided morals involving victim-blaming.