Thus far, I’ve written a number of articles on George R. R. Martin’s horrendously boring A Song of Ice and Fire series. Among these were two in which I analyzed some of the many poorly-written shells that pass for characters in Martin’s world. In this article, however, I will discuss the villain of the first few volumes, King Joffrey. Joffrey is the only well-written character in A Song of Ice and Fire, mostly because he’s the only character who’s internally consistent.
Continue reading King Joffrey: The Only Well-Written Character in Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones, the show that captivates fourteen-year-olds everywhere, is bad. It’s not well-written; it’s not well-shot; it’s not well-lit; half the time it’s not even well-acted; and even the music to the opening credits is little more than a rip-off of better music. When I first heard that opening theme, I liked it, and indeed it was what made me watch the show in the first place. I’d watch the opening credits then suffer through the blandness that followed, but I was always struck by how similar it was to the theme from another show…
Continue reading The Music of Game of Thrones
You may remember my article on the greatest show of all time, Avatar: The Last Airbender. You may also remember my mentioning that M. Night Shyamalan decided to adapt the first season into a movie. I saw this… movie… when it first premiered. I entered the theatre expecting to love it; by the thirty-minute mark I loathed Shyamalan with every fibre of my being, and when at last I stumbled out of that accursed theatre I would gladly have throttled the bastard.
Continue reading “The Last Airbender” Movie Review
In my last article concerning A Song of Ice and Fire, I discussed a character called Jon Snow. He was, as are all George R. R. Martin’s characters, incredibly bland and unpleasant. Although they’re all basically the same character, there are more of the same character to tear apart in these articles, so let’s get started with Stannis Baratheon.
Continue reading Stannis Baratheon: Another One-Note Asshole
After tackling a sensitive topic in my last review, I decided to finish work on what amounts more to a rant. You see, the original Ben 10 was a great show. It ended, I think, on a high note; I never wanted a bloody sequel—we got one, though. Ben 10: Alien Force is one of the worst spin-offs I’ve ever seen; despite not being as terrible as the likes of “Teen Titans Go,” Alien Force still fails at nearly everything. Basic character development, emotions, action, and so many other elements seem to be beyond the scope of Alien Force. Eight or ten episodes in (if I remember correctly) and I was bloody done.
Continue reading “Ben 10: Alien Force” Review
There’s nothing more certain to draw masses of ire than the criticism of a well-liked show. That said, I don’t really have much choice in the matter, as I could not ignore such blatant sexism as one finds in the nineteenth episode of the show One Piece. First of all, I have heard that the show gets better after this, so if this is the case, please consider this to be a criticism of Episode Nineteen only. I don’t think that’s entirely unreasonable, as this episode functions more-or-less as a standalone story; for the purposes of this review I will regard it as such.
Continue reading Sexism in One Piece
It’s finally about to be over! The first In the Name of the King film was high fantasy at its very worst, the second was portal fantasy at its worst, and for some reason I don’t want to understand, Uwe Boll decided to make a third bollocks film in this awful, awful series. This one, called either “In the Name of the King Ⅲ: The Last Mission” or, more appropriately, “In the Name of the King 3: The Last Job,” has as much to do with the other two films as the second has to do with the first.
It strikes me that, throughout these three films, not a single plot-thread from the first film—or the second—has been resolved in any sense of the word. Nonetheless, it has more in common with Two Worlds than with A Dungeon Siege Tale, being a pathetic excuse for portal fantasy rather than high fantasy.
Continue reading “In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission” Review
In my previous article, I talked about a film called In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. In case you didn’t read that review, the film is by the infamous Uwe Boll, and it’s high fantasy at its very worst. Upon finishing that abomination, Boll must have realized that there remained at least a very few of the genre’s worst writing practices that he’d not had time for in the original. Sadly for everyone concerned, good old Uwe decided to make two sequels just so he could squeeze in more of the worst things a fantasy writer can do.
Continue reading “In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds” Review
“Look; I am not a fucking retard like Michael Bay!”Uwe Boll
As adept a judge of character as the above quote would suggest him to be, Uwe Boll’s body of work is at least as bad as anything I’ve seen from Michael Bay. My article today concerns Boll’s attempt at a high fantasy epic. Like most of his work, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is based on a video-game. I read a bit about the story of the game, and the movie seems to have nothing to do with it. Most reviews of In the Name of the King dub it one of the worst fantasy stories of all time, but I recently reviewed The Dragon in the Sock Drawer, which was so stupid and utterly mental that In the Name of the King seems all the more bland.
Continue reading “In the Name of the King” Review
“What’s wrong with the characters in A Song of Ice and Fire,” you ask? Well, let’s just take a look. As for what’s wrong, where do I begin? Why don’t I start with the fact that they’re all basically the same character? You can’t really expect any better when an author divides his attention among a thousand of them, which is why you need to limit the number of pivotal characters in a story. Every character in the story has, at most, a few personality traits to differentiate it from the cookie-cutter template that Martin applies to the lot of them.
I plan on suffering through several more of these character analyses, but I’ll start with the ever-tedious Jon Snow. No, I’m not talking about Dr. John Snow, the Victorian physician who discovered that drinking polluted water was a bad thing—oh, I only wish! Jon Snow is, amazingly, one of the least irritating of Martin’s characters. I shudder to think of analyzing any of the others, but that’s Future Hamish’s problem!
Continue reading Jon Snow: The Boring Bastard